A pageant experience relived

Back in 2001 when I was a junior in college, I thought it would be fun and a good experience to participate in the Miss NSU pageant for our University. The contest would consist of the usual entries for a pageant: swimsuit, talent, evening wear, and interview. Little did I know that I was in for the experience of a lifetime. Let me explain...

For those that know me, know that I am a preppy city girl who enjoys dressing up and can usually handle the pressure of performing in front a crowd. But I am by no means a classy girl all the time--I enjoy being rowdy and getting my hands dirty every now and then. I entered this pageant strictly for the fun of having a good time and meeting other people. If I had known then what I know now, I'm pretty sure I would have bowed out before I even filled out the application.

One of my good friend's cheerleading coach had done the pageant thing many times before and offered to give me a little coaching on some things, so I wouldn't make a complete fool out of myself when the big day finally arrived. Here are some things that she was kind enough to teach me:
1) You have to have the "pageant walk" down to a tee (which I will explain below)
2) Normal, everyday bathing suits that could be purchased from Wal-Mart or Target were not acceptable. There are special "pageant suits" that were specifically made for the swimsuit portion of the competition. (Whatever!)
3) You had to know and understand your platform like you know the back of your hand for the interviews...crap! Guess that means I need to think of an issue that I'm passionate about...I am passionate about eating, does that count?!
4) All talent should have some sort of choreography...(I'm a singer people...not a dancer!)
5) All pageant girls are mean and ruthless...they will do whatever it takes to win...and I do mean WHATEVER...
6) All myths about pageants are true: the girls do spray sticky stuff on their butts to keep their swimsuits from riding up, they do put hemorrhoid ointment on their legs to make them "shrink" in size, they do put vaseline on their teeth to make smiling easier, and they do get extra help for their chests (they actually sell skin colored jelly pads for just this reason--amazing!).

Learning the "pageant walk" in heels 4 inches or higher was a nightmare for me! I've never really been one to wear heels, much less at least 4 inches in height! The pageant walk is something we have all seen before...you know the one--where the girl sees a guy checking her out and she starts strutting her stuff, swinging her hips drastically from side to side, one foot in front of the other, as her shoulders are held back to push out her chest and her arms are slightly waving in the front. Truthfully it looks like these girls are miserable and desparate, and of course make you want to laugh out loud, but you don't because you don't want to be rude. There is nothing natural about this walk at all. Then you add the huge cheesy smile to the face and you've got the pageant walk...

Don't get me started on introducing yourself in a pageant...You should have seen my face when I heard the first girl walk to the microphone to greet the audience, "Good EVEning. A SENior MAJoring in eleMENtary eduCATION, i AM Jessica Parkerrrrrr." Smile. Tilt head to side. Pause. Kick heel up behind you. Walk off stage. Picture a Sweet Vally High girl introducing herself in the movie Clueless with the huge smile and the bobbing of the head, and you pretty much have seen the same thing I did. I bit my lip to keep from laughing outloud. Were these girls for real?! Oh yes, they were...so very real...

The seriousness that these girls had about this pageant was sickening. And the money they invested in this competition! One contestant spent $1500 on her evening gown...$1500!?!?! Most of these girls do this for a living. And the Mom's! Just as obsessed as the girls. Sheesh!

Ha! I can remember on the night of one of the rehearsals, I was starving so I brought my dinner with me--something greasy and full of fat, I'm sure. As I pulled it out to eat, I could hear small gasps throughout the room, then one girl bravely asks, "You're going to eat that?! Don't you think you should eat something healthy?" I just smiled and took a huge bite out of my dinner. Food had never tasted more wonderful in my life. I ate the entire thing, then went out on stage and rehearsed like it was the best day of my life. Healthy?! Why in the world would I want to give up greasy, fatty foods so I can pour myself into a body sucking pageant suit for a pageant I am only participating in for fun? Ha! Some people crack me up.

Depsite the fact that I was moved to the back row of the opening number because I couldn't learn the choreography well enough, and despite the fact that I looked like a complete idiot walking around half naked in front of hundreds of people, and despite the fact that I was probably in the very bottom percentage of contestants, this opportunity gave me a few things: it gave me a reason to get my braces removed two weeks early, it gave me a reason to laugh at myself for thinking I could actually compete with die-hard pageant queens, it gave me confidence to do anything in front of any one (if I can walk around in a "pageant suit" in front of my entire college campus, I can surely do anything...), and it helped me to realize that that childhood dream of becoming Miss USA is no longer an interest to me...

Now as I watch pageants on TV, I smile inside and know deep down just what those girls suffered through to look like that on television. Unbelieveable.



P.S. Doug the email address you sent me doesn't work...I've tried a couple of times to email you and it bounces back...